Counting the Year Down

Well, shit. Today, I was hoping to get out to lunch with Ash and talk about making a move out of the house. But you know... when I was leaving the house this morning, I knew I was forgetting something. I didn't even realize it was my phone until I got to the office. Believe you me... I didn't want to go driving towards the core to go get it either. I know I was super-early getting to work, but 'to the core' traffic would still have been a bit of a bitch. So... I'm gonna really have to suck this one up. I don't even have the number for the house, so I couldn't even call Jen to help me out. D'oh.

Well, my last real big post about myself was on the 17th. It's now the 29th... so it's been a good two weeks since I've really made any heads or tails about what's going on.

The week leading up to the holidays wasn't terribly exciting. It was a lot of the usual, which frankly was getting kind of tiring to report on. That's probably another reason as to why I haven't been blogging as much as I'd probably like to. Work was kind of busy, as people were rushing out a few things before their holidays began... was at the Yardhouse a few times on the lead up to bits and pieces of partying... you know, things like that.

The 23rd, my birthday, wasn't too bad. Went out and saw the folks... Dad was feeling rather ill and they decided not to go to Kelowna for the holidays and infect everyone. So, they were home and I paid them a visit for a little while. Then Jeff came down and met me at the Yardhouse for a drink and a bite to eat. Then we went down to Greg's house for his Xmas party... which was pretty good. It kept me fairly reasonable... not sober... just reasonable. So, that was alright. A lot more low-key than 2005's version.

The 24th had a slight hangover... nothing too terrible. When I was up and able, I put my shit together, went and picked Mom & Dad up a gift each for Xmas and went out to their place for the evening.

Xmas was very quiet... nothing major. The three of us went about our business, had breakfast, talked to the family in Kelowna. Watched Pirates 2 again with the folks... they hadn't seen it. Then it was over to Donna & Bill's for dinner. The Bradleys were down there as well, so it was a good little dinner.

Boxing Day, I had to be in the office... talk about a dead day. I watched the start of the Junior Tournament again (Go Canada Go!).

Then the rest of the week was littered with Canucks games, Junior games and quite a few beers & late nights in between. Again, nothing really major.

So, what else has been rather pressing of late...

Well, I think somewhere around my birthday, in one of my better drunks... I thought I sent Barb a message or something and if I recall something or other, I don't think I finished it quite pleasantly. I can't really remember... but I still feel kinda guilty that I did, but surprise... she texted me during the Boxing Day game, promising that the Flames would come back to win. They didn't... heh heh. I was still pretty surprised to hear from her. It kind of removed the awkwardness I would have felt when we go to the game next week.

With Ash, I'm trying to take a little bit more of a pro-active approach to her. That's what this lunch is supposed to be about. Maybe what I'll do is try and call my phone in a little bit to see if she'll pick it up. I can't really say for sure that she will... but if it rings enough, it might work. Sorry... a bit off topic there. But yeah, I've been trying to be a little bit more vigilant with finding some time with Ash... I've sent her a few more positive messages and just kind of hoping that she picks 'em up and sees where I'm going with it.

And then there's insane Jen. She wrote me yet another note. Her neuroticism is really getting the best of her. Her sense of control feels somewhat comprimised and she needs to regain it with notes about cleaning and dishes. She does a lot of cleaning in the house, as it is her hobby and that's what she enjoys. She also has this fear of being judged about how clean her house is... apparently her Mom judges her all the time and even though her Mom maybe has come by twice in the time I've been there, there's this paranoid function in her head that her parents care what her place looks like. Even if I was to do anything, she would just do it over, 'cuz her neurosis would find something that isn't always there to do it over again. Talk about embarrassing. So yeah... I need to get out. Soon.

That's pretty much the gist of it all. The New Year's plans look like it'll be some sort of combination of Jeff's place, the Yardhouse and an after hours party with Krista. I have sorta committed to goin' out and getting twatted with Krista... anything else hasn't been too committed quite yet and I'm not in any rush to commit to too much. It's not exactly my most important holiday in the world.

Well, that's about where I'll leave it for now. I think that gives a little bit more perspective of what's going on at the moment.

I Dunno

Hour and a half to go in the office. I've really thought about beating my head against my desk for the last little while. I don't think I'll do it... my pain threshold is pretty low. And that's all I need is a dent in my forehead.

Yet, I still don't want to talk about anything. Crazy.

Music of 2006

Well, since it's Boxing Day... there's not much to do here in the office and frankly, I don't really want to do a "how's life doing" post at the moment, I thought I would do my annual Best Song of the Year award.

Previous Winners List:
1996: Lightning Crashes by Live
1997: Building A Mystery by Sarah McLachlan
1998: Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls
1999: The Future is X-Rated by the Matthew Good Band
2000: Stand Inside Your Love by the Smashing Pumpkins
2001: The Space Between by the Dave Matthews Band
2002: A Beautiful Thing by the Tragically Hip
2003: Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes
2004: Chicken Payback by the Bees
2005: Neighbourhood #3 (Power Out) by Arcade Fire

These are all excellent tunes and 2006 had quite a few of them as well. Generally, how I calculate my favourite song of the year... I have to have bought the CD in which it is on AND it has to be released in 2006. Now, a lot of great singles that came out in 2006 would have had consideration if I actually wanted to buy those CDs. I didn't really... so they really weren't good enough to make it onto the consideration list. Let's review what I've purchased this year...

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Not listed on said list, Immaculate Machine's "Transporter."

Yes, I did add Gwen Stefani's new disc, The Sweet Escape... it was only $11 at Best Buy, so I thought, 'why not?' I did enjoy her first solo outing and despite the annoyance of the first single, I thought I would get it anyways.

Well, the discs with tracks that immediately come to mind would be:
Snow Patrol's "Eyes Open" with Chasing Cars
The Raconteurs' "Broken Boy Soldiers" with Store Bought Bones
Arctic Monkeys' "Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not" with Fake Tales of San Francisco
The Tragically Hip's "World Container" with Luv (sic)
Damien Rice's "9" with 9 Crimes
Dirty Pretty Things "Waterloo to Anywhere" with Gin & Milk
Fratellis' "Costello Music" with Chelsea Dagger
Kasabian's "Empire" with Shoot the Runner
Killers' "Sam's Town" with For Reasons Unknown
Tokyo Police Club's "A Lesson in Crime" with Nature of the Experiment
Yeah Yeah Yeah's "Show Your Bones" with Phenomena
The Subways' "Young For Eternity" with At 1am

Like I said, it was a pretty good list of tracks for the year... and a few of these weren't even singles for radio or TV play (not like TV stations play music videos anymore).

Now, I'd really hate to be overly predictable and hopefully a few of those candidates come as a surprise, although none of them should. Now, I've got somewhat of a soft spot for seeing bands live and seeing the songs that I wanted to see the most... sadly, only twice in that list does that appear. This is how I'm gonna calculate my decision.

Both the Tragically Hip's "World Container" with Luv (sic) and the Subways' "Young For Eternity" with At 1am each were both awesome live. I mean, awesome! But with the concert of the year, in my opinion, under their belts and an absolutely awesome rendition of it... The Subways take the crown for 2006 with At 1am. I recommend this track so highly... it's quick, it's effective and damn catchy.

I Think I Got It Now

Yes! It only took a little while to figure it out. Now I am getting the hang of this thing.

Now I am in desperate need of some sleep.

Posting from my new palm

i'm posting this from my new palm tx i got off ebay. i'm just testing it out.

the small bit of retail theapy and finding a good deal makes a guy like me feel a little bit better.

i still need to figure out the shift button.

This Isn't All Of It Either

I'm still waiting for an epiphany. I need one. I need something that takes me away from this mental breakdown that I'm in the middle of. My mind is stripping everything I am down to the nitty gritty and really finding out that there doesn't seem to be a lot of substance holding it up.

I do have some good qualities, I think... some people do actually want to hang around me. I also have some bad qualities... a lot of which don't surface when I'm out in public. I do keep a lot of it to myself, where's it's bottled and aged, ready to be sold to the general public. But no... it gets stored behind glass and on LCD screens for all the world to pass by and not pay attention to. It's pretty simple, really.

There's something missing though still. It's what made me something of a reasonable young lad when I was growing up. I did good things... I spent time opening doors for people at the bank in Kelowna. I was nice & polite... and I had no problem doing my thing. But that thing that made me so reasonable... it's gone.

I've been thinking some ill things lately as well. This lot of depression is really knocking me back a few pegs. I don't feel like I have a place in this world... this place... this town... this culture... this set of rules... this set of anything. I want to go somewhere else... be somewhere else... I want to go to that little island in the middle of nowhere... be where I think I should be. Away, not to be considered by anyone else... to be forgotten.

It's not to say I haven't thought of the consequences of any action I would partake in to be away. I know people will actually miss me... think it'd be terrible that I wasn't around. Family, friends... possibly co-workers... you know, there will be a drop in the pond. I would like to think it would disappear after little time. But that's not what other people do or think. I understand... but when I'm feeling cowardly, I don't need other people to know and have their concerns grow. Concerns from caring... something that I don't feel worthy of receiving. Something that just seems foreign... like the plague to avoid.

I know I've been kind of miserable in the past, but this is really taking it's toll. I've got that shoebox in the corner of my head filled with the ability to love. It's this lingering thought... yes, I still have the ability to love and be loved, but no one really seems to want it. Each time I take the lid off to think about it again, I don't want it to fail. I don't know if that's the final straw, you know? I want to scream at the top of my lungs from the top of a building here in Calgary and confess all the feelings I have. But I can't... it's not safe. This whole thing looks to be getting worse, rather than better.

It's a good thing I have an alter-ego... one that I show off in public. It does keep me going at least. It's keep me out there, doing my stuff. I don't know how well it's doing... obviously, with my crushes, it's doing rather poorly. Nothing has changed and this feeling is starting to weigh down on it... I would like to go further, do more... do the right thing, even.

Harsh, eh?

My Breakthrough

I think I've just had a breakthrough. I know why I don't like the holidays... I'm tired of faking that I'm happy.

An over-exuberance of joy really does my nut. That's why I like getting wasted on my birthday, that's why I like being hungover on Christmas Eve. I don't like getting presents, 'cuz it never made me happy. The little bits of joy you see in kids eyes... it's nice, but it doesn't fill this large pitcher of emptiness to any substantial point.

I think I'd like to be happy before I went and celebrated anything any time soon. Man, once the depression really kicked in... that's seems about right. I could probably stem it back a little bit further... but I've always understood it to some degree. But it just came to me when I was lying here in bed. I have one of my favourite depression albums on (Recovering the Satellites by the Counting Crows) and I'm just thinking.

A couple episodes of House can also get me thinking too... I can be a little more analytical in this case. I can look at myself somewhat objectively and have a good idea of what I have to base all my theories on.

All the loneliness and depression is hitting pretty hard though now... it'll probably last through New Years and spark up again through Valentine's. It's nice that I can forecast it a bit... it's got that sense of predictability that I can combat on the outside. It's a good way to keep people away... which is probably the last thing I should be doing.

I do like to write everything here... I might not purposefully show it to anyone, but the chance of some random person coming along to provide their two cents would be somewhat appreciated. I know I might not be the most open-minded to solutions to my problem, 'cuz I have a hard time believing that I need someone else to point it out to me. I think I can do it myself... but we all know how well that's been going, especially if you've been following the sparse entries I have been writing.

The last couple years with the Tales have been an open-ended lesson on how to be miserable, but I would think that most people think of me as a pretty upbeat character.

The world continues on at a day-to-day pace... I still hold a little optimism out of the box for a couple things, but I am getting a little anxious for those couple days on my own. I should be able to write myself silly then. I don't forsee any conclusion to this awful feeling, however. A less than close relationship with family makes me believe that reprieve won't come from there... it's a lack of expression really. I would like to think that if I found a girl who sees the good in me would set me back to being the guy I really should be.

If I could make a wish... that would be it.

Too Early on Thursday Morning

Ahhhh... I got up super early this morning to ensure that a shower was had this morning. Now, I'm at work, already been here for a half hour. I've already updated the hockey pool this morning and I'm still only on my first cup of coffee.

Between last night, dreaming through the night and this morning, I've really been beating my head against the proverbial wall. I'm thinkin' one of these nights it's gonna be a Scribblings night. I've got so many things running around upstairs and I have yet to capture them and immortalize the thoughts on digi-paper. I wouldn't mind writing an epic of some sorts... put it all down, put it all out there, y'know?

Reasoning doesn't do well for the ol' self-esteem image. Way too many questions boiling in the pot... I'm sure they'd be pretty tasty, if you wanted a bowl full, but I'm pretty selfish... I'm keeping all of it to myself.

Otherwise, it was a quiet night last night... Meatballs & Rice with a few beers for dinner... watched most of the TSN doubleheader before going to bed. It was a quiet night as a whole. I think a switch has been flipped in me... it does sort of feel like my head has come to the conclusion that I've been to the Yardhouse a little too much and I'm really getting nothing out of it. I'm not too sure if I'm gonna go out with the lads after floor hockey or not. I might... at least with those guys, it's a pretty good time for a while. Maybe that switch has been flipped so I don't stay until the wee hours of the morning as well. You never know...

I found a Palm T/X on eBay yesterday that's on for cheap... I put a max bid on it, so I'm hoping tomorrow night that I win it. I made some space on my credit card, so I can pay for it right away. Fingers crossed... that's a cool looking PDA.

I don't really have much more than that at the moment. I'm kinda surprised that I've been so active on the Tales recently. Maybe I have a little bit more to say. Wooooo!!

Do You Smell Something?

Good morning... unless you didn't get a shower either this morning.

Thought I would do a quick catch-up this morning... it's gonna be somewhat short, me thinks, since I don't really have a lot goin' on. What do we got this morning... Wednesday? Wow. The week just flies by these days.

Let's try and quickly recap... didn't go to that party on Saturday night. Couldn't say I really felt like it, to be honest. When it really came down to it, I wasn't really in the festive mood and well... I wasn't too sure about the crowd and how long I felt like staying. I thought if Jeff and Jay were about at their new house, I could go over there for a bit afterwards, since I would be close(r) to being up there than normal and then it would also give me a decent excuse to go when I was bored. Instead, Jeff was off to Langdon for the evening and he and Benny were gonna go boarding on Sunday. So, that part of my plan just dissolved.

So, Saturday, watched most of the hockey at home and then went for a few drinks at the Yard. Marcus came and met me for a while... I stuck around until the last possible minute. Didn't really feel like going home, so I didn't really.

Sunday, I acheived next to nothing. Watched a lot of football and stuff like that. Got lots of writing done and stuff, which was good. Talked to Grandma Corley on the phone for a bit... then talked to Dad... it was really just a quiet day all the way around.

Monday night... went to watch the Canucks & Oilers game. Massive disappointment. Still, ended up staying around until 2am.

Yesterday... wasn't too bad, but had the quiet evening and watched Standoff and House. Then bed. It was a great, quiet night.

So yeah.... here we are right now. At work. Unshowered, due to no hot water. Half asleep.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I might have to try not to try again with Barb. My head still races... there's something missing in the equations in my head, but I don't know what it is. So, I'm kinda lost and trying to talk to her is next to impossible. I know we now have plans for January 2nd, so, that might be the next time I try and talk to her. It's super frustrating when you like someone and they just disappear. It's not really that much fun. Ah well... I tried to give her a shout yesterday. Nothing... not even a call back. Tonight, will be another quiet night, possibly shuttin' down really early. Thursday will be floor hockey. Then the weekend... I don't know about the weekend. I don't know how I'm gonna confine myself, if that is at all possible. Maybe I could waste a weekend with sleep and updating the hockey pool.

Anyways... I can't really say it's too happy of times at the moment. Now, I've got this weird pain in my chest. Can't tell where it actually is. Ah well, I'm not worried.

Sunday Night CD Shopping

You know... I just got the urge. And it was huge.

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Okay, it was three discs... I bought the Tokyo Police Club EP, "A Lesson In Crime" and two Plain White T's CDs (on the recommendation from Barb). I'll have a good listen to them tomorrow at work... I've already got them on my laptop and ready for my mp3 player. I really gotta start thinkin' about favourite song of the year soon.