Meant For Film

I begin to wonder if movie moments are just that. "Movie" moments. They'll only occur in movies... they never really happened to anyone... just fantasies of moments that someone would want to have in real life, then written down, then portrayed on screen.

I think I carry these dreams of having these moments, thinking that I'll meet that special someone in a movie moment. It does feel like I'm holding out for these moments... writing them down in my head and holding a candle to it. I don't know if it's the moment that I'm hanging on to or the potential of the person who I am trying to meet... I mean, they're both supposed to be so attracted. The thing that stories are made of. Good stories. I mean, the stories that you tell your grandchildren on your umpteenth wedding anniversary. Granted, I don't think there will be much of an anniversary for me, per say... marriage just seems to be one of those bureaucratical nightmares that cost too much and are unnecessary.

Being 26 already makes me ill to my stomach. I mean, there was something that I needed to do beforehand... I might not know what it actually was, but there seems to be something missing. I'm thinking it's that moment... and I'm probably sure it is. I'm 26 and yet to really have that moment.

I've had some moments... don't get me wrong. I don't think any of them have been as special or as telling as the moment that I really, really want. Most of the more memorable ones... I don't think I could even remember. Goddamn alcohol. (Oh, I'm sorry alcohol... I didn't really mean it) I would like to remember a couple of those moments... I must have said or done something amazing to get to those points. I'll be damned if I could remember... heh heh... or else I would actually take them as points of reference and use them in my sober life. But that's not likely to happen now, is it?

These days, I think I've been karma's washboard... it would take a moment like one in the movie moments to really set me straight. I mean, bad news... new costs... and a little touch of loneliness. The dreams and hopes are hardly staying afloat amongst the laundry that karma scrubs over me. In some degrees, it's the detergent it uses to make everyone else's karma clean.

Is there a moment out there... a moment of realization? I could write a moment for a movie... I could think of one or two ways to have the moment right now. They're pretty good too. I'd almost make that movie too, if I had the time and/or the patience. I'm sure I could find some music... my collection and knowledge of it could all be fitted into some sort of soundtrack. I could live happily ever after... but hope... it dwindles into a cold, cold heart.

Conflict of Doctrines

If I was ever to think of my one true conflict in life, I think I have found it tonight. I have just realised that I train my mind in two doctrines of thought. The 'understanding of each other as people' and 'progress at any cost.' Both doctrines of thought field merits of substantial being, but society today would never let them co-exist. A true sadness enthralls me when it all pieces together. Enough so, that depression and anger set in sometimes and the lines truly get blurred.

I don't really surprise myself when I come to think that 'progress at any cost' wins my battle of doctrines, because it would be so much easier to understand people when progress ensues. I mean, if we were to rely on progress... the weak would be abolished from the strong... diseases which are kept going by not quarantining the sick remain (ie. AIDS)... and letting self-righteous rights be the end all of our civilization.

Chaos is what created our world before civilization made a mockery of it all, but the necesary chaos could very well be embraced when it all means something to each other. We have done ourselves some serious undue deeds by thinking too much. How did we get so high-and-mighty on the human race? I mean, yes we're humans... but wow... isn't that a tad small-minded in the big picture? The big picture extends past our atmosphere, people. Sacrifice and letting go should be a natural part of what we do here on Earth. But no... we must keep sacred even the lesser points of humanity.

Humanity is not great. It's terrible. Why must we embrace humanity when it is the thing that is holding something even greater from coming forth? If there was a God, I would like to think that humanity was only a stepping stone to greatness... a stepping stone to comething achievable on Earth, rather than a mystical place like Heaven. Rights and laws have destroyed our way of living... and by living, I mean freedom. There is no great secret to humanity... it's a way to move forward and join the great existance that lies beyond our little planet.

Our planet is something insignificant in the long run of what time signifies... we can preserve our planet with progress. But no... humanity's sense of greed and expansion as a virus (a la the Matrix explanation) is not far off of where we're going as a whole. Progress to me means that we can power our way of life with something that is economically viable and environmentally stable. But it takes more than our Governments. It takes more than other people asking people what they should do and going behind their backs and doing something completely underhanded for personal profit.

Where's the freedom in all of this? It doesn't exist in the master plan of our higher powers. Freedom, the illusion of the masses, the last great hope of every living breath... it doesn't exist any more. There is no freedom fighter any more. I support the military actions of our countries here in the West, but it isn't for freedom. Freedom disappeared in the first wars of the new civilizations. World War I and II destroyed our freedoms before the soldiers got a chance to fight for it. Taxes and laws were imposed upon a weak set of people in a daunting time.

I don't believe in freedom anymore. I can believe in safety and longevity... but not freedom. If freedom was still around, I wouldn't belive in safety in longevity. Strange, isn't it? But I'd rather be free with my own wit to guide me, then safe with the guided hand of some electoral body that I may or may not have voted for.

I guess I consider myself somewhat of an Anarchist to some degree. Anarchy doesn't have to come with the cost of violence. I'm not a small-minded Anarchist that is hell-bent on changing the way of life through violence. An Anarchist uprising has occured in the Middle East (of sorts) and look where that's gone. As much as I support troops fighting against the terror cells that could harm the Western way of life, that I so graciously criticize, I must also believe that I can understand the difference of way of life there to what it is here. There in lies the great conflict... as a microcosm in the world and as a whole in current world events.