Meant For Film

I begin to wonder if movie moments are just that. "Movie" moments. They'll only occur in movies... they never really happened to anyone... just fantasies of moments that someone would want to have in real life, then written down, then portrayed on screen.

I think I carry these dreams of having these moments, thinking that I'll meet that special someone in a movie moment. It does feel like I'm holding out for these moments... writing them down in my head and holding a candle to it. I don't know if it's the moment that I'm hanging on to or the potential of the person who I am trying to meet... I mean, they're both supposed to be so attracted. The thing that stories are made of. Good stories. I mean, the stories that you tell your grandchildren on your umpteenth wedding anniversary. Granted, I don't think there will be much of an anniversary for me, per say... marriage just seems to be one of those bureaucratical nightmares that cost too much and are unnecessary.

Being 26 already makes me ill to my stomach. I mean, there was something that I needed to do beforehand... I might not know what it actually was, but there seems to be something missing. I'm thinking it's that moment... and I'm probably sure it is. I'm 26 and yet to really have that moment.

I've had some moments... don't get me wrong. I don't think any of them have been as special or as telling as the moment that I really, really want. Most of the more memorable ones... I don't think I could even remember. Goddamn alcohol. (Oh, I'm sorry alcohol... I didn't really mean it) I would like to remember a couple of those moments... I must have said or done something amazing to get to those points. I'll be damned if I could remember... heh heh... or else I would actually take them as points of reference and use them in my sober life. But that's not likely to happen now, is it?

These days, I think I've been karma's washboard... it would take a moment like one in the movie moments to really set me straight. I mean, bad news... new costs... and a little touch of loneliness. The dreams and hopes are hardly staying afloat amongst the laundry that karma scrubs over me. In some degrees, it's the detergent it uses to make everyone else's karma clean.

Is there a moment out there... a moment of realization? I could write a moment for a movie... I could think of one or two ways to have the moment right now. They're pretty good too. I'd almost make that movie too, if I had the time and/or the patience. I'm sure I could find some music... my collection and knowledge of it could all be fitted into some sort of soundtrack. I could live happily ever after... but hope... it dwindles into a cold, cold heart.