Pre-Midnight Thoughts

In the end, I never fail to amaze myself. No, wait, I don't think that is the right choice of words. Let me start again...

In the end, I never cease to amaze myself how I choose to defy what is expected of me. I suppose I could have finished that sentence properly the first time, but nevertheless.

If there is. Wait, I'm doing it again. There are many things I have learned about myself, which I am not proud of. That's the whole learning part. I'm not proud about learning about myself or thinking too much. I have learned that I am terrible, I mean horrible, at picking up social situations with women.

Yes, I have done myself in with yet another girl, which, by the account of Gerald, could and should have been a lock. No, my head over-analyzed and under-performed in a myriad of chances.

Bachelorhood is my destiny.

In actual fact, I seem to be more and more okay with this proposition, as I'm not terrinly upset by it all. I know, in the past I would have been fairly beside myself, but no. It's business as usual over here.

I have come to a conclusion that I want nothing good for myself. Maybe something new in the employment department, as my job has grown awfully stale. Not quitw the market for something new though. Shitty. But that is besides the point.

You can choose your own destiny in life, don't think about it, whatever you do. Just do it.
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The best of intentions mean nothing to me. Period.

"I got a chance to close a deal, what?"

Yeah, that is me patiently awaiting something that'll never come. It has to be a plus that I realize that, right?

Wow. Yeah, I'm admittedly pretty sad about that.

I know my own limitations and hearing in a pub/bar is one of them. Frankly, I'll score tonight as a huge miss and just try to kill any feeling from here on in.
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You know what I find strange? When people start being "in like" with other people (sorry for the poor tween lingo) and say that they can't stop thing about that other person... they automatically assume that they somehow fell in love with that person. I find that strange, don't you?

Unfortunately for me, I'm way too much of a thinker and therefore, over-thinking someone or something is par for the course. I know, for a fact, that I will think about a new fancy for way more than I possibly should, so now I try to make a concerted effort not to. Guess how well that goes.

I suppose when you think too much, you're not going to give away emotions. That being said, you've likely done so before to negative results, kinda like I have.

There are more than a few days where I have wished for less thinking capacity, but then I think of all the messes I would have gotten myself into. I, for one, knows what happens when I stop thinking (due to the glug, glug) and sometimes it isn't preferred. Thankfully, not too regretful, but still overly silly.

Knowing a bad idea and trying not to think is what I have to deal with. Sometimes its good, other times I wonder. I suppose I have to ask, "does thinking have any effect on luck or does it create its own luck?"


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Some days, I really make myself wonder.

It's a strange and renewed feeling of optimism you feel when you've had nine beers, hop into bed and have a fan blowing fresh air into your face. All your bird-brained ideas seem good. You can't possibly go wrong.

Thankfully, I've done nothing of the sorts, although I'm tempted, of doing absolutely stupid with my CrackBerry tonight.

I have been thinking quite fondly of my neighbour, seeing her on a friendly basis for the last week or so. I know there should be a little more to it, but the last few years of conditioning to heartbreak and such makes me shy away like a kid, a fork and an outlet.

Nevertheless, I have kept myself in check tonight, despite my best efforts not to and will head into this long weekend away with a clear conscience... ish.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network