A Grand Re-Opening

I think I may have this completely wrong, but I thought I would run it through this wringer anyways, just to see how it goes. Isn't seeing or hearing about an occasion that really made you feel bad happen to someone else supposed to make you feel a little bit better? Isn't it supposed to ease the hardship of it all, knowing that you're not the only one that this has happened to. Is it supposed to be a comfort in relation to another human being?

Whatever it is, it's crap. You know, if what I was rambling on about there was actually real.

I've really been feeling like shit lately. I have really hit some lows that I haven't hit in a long while. This whole depression thing really hasn't been a lot of fun. Back in my younger days, when I was befallen by the same affliction, I could always say to myself that there was some good in having this sort of pain and despair. It really helps to distinguish the really good things in your life, but I'm really beginning to think that I've told myself a whole shitload of bollocks, because it's really made me much more cold and cynical.

There were a couple hopeful instances of possibly turning it all around, but those had quickly faded away into desperate long shots that I was just not desperate enough to take. I've been finding more solace in characters that are more solitary in their ways, trying to move through the world with a cold abandon, slowly trying to peel away the layers that make me human. Talk about a tricky process.

For every layer you peel away from yourself, you have to prop it up with something cold and solid, but in this mind, all I have are large ice cubes, which are prone to melting at the first sign of warmth, causing the layers to fall back down on me. Sure, there's a sort of pleasure having that warmth around you, a certain comfort comes from it and you can smile with that shit-eating grin. The layers don't seem very heavy when they make you feel oh so good.

Soon enough, the warmth will disappear for me. I'm sure you can say that it's by my own subconscious design. In the metaphorical sense, I probably have my feet poking outside the covers (or layers), just to keep some sort of temperature control and when it gets to warm, I like to throw the covers off and try and live in the cool, bitter night.

Well, once I had quite a few of my layers peeled away and propped up, still rather depressed, but at least becoming one with the cold again, I had to go ahead and watch (500) Days of Summer, with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel... it's movies like that which set me back a few steps. It really doesn't provide me with any warmth, but more of a reason to peel back those layers even faster and be one completely without human emotion. The feelings that you really want to put to an end even faster than they came. Don't get me wrong, the movie was done really well and really well told, but despite the message of maybe changing means to the desired end, rather than the desired end itself, I can't get past the way I feel.

I'm not meant to win in this life. The means to which I came to this conclusion was my overall downfall. I continue to think way too much and there is obviously no way to try and stop thinking. I've found different and more interesting things to think about, but there is always some straying back to what got me to where I was in the first place... more depression.

All this thinking just begot more thinking. It's a horrible, horrible curse. Some people say things when they don't think... some is good, some isn't so much. I just don't know how it all goes down. The old addage of 'think before you speak' always seems to stay with me... it sticks to my mouth so well that it keeps my lips together and now I don't say things at all in some situations. I try to question the appropriate nature of things said and I know I'm just bursting out with a whole bunch of everything... but that's for another time and another place. I'll keep bottling it up until I have enough for the whole world. I'll be a worldwide success with my bottled nature.