My Breakthrough

I think I've just had a breakthrough. I know why I don't like the holidays... I'm tired of faking that I'm happy.

An over-exuberance of joy really does my nut. That's why I like getting wasted on my birthday, that's why I like being hungover on Christmas Eve. I don't like getting presents, 'cuz it never made me happy. The little bits of joy you see in kids eyes... it's nice, but it doesn't fill this large pitcher of emptiness to any substantial point.

I think I'd like to be happy before I went and celebrated anything any time soon. Man, once the depression really kicked in... that's seems about right. I could probably stem it back a little bit further... but I've always understood it to some degree. But it just came to me when I was lying here in bed. I have one of my favourite depression albums on (Recovering the Satellites by the Counting Crows) and I'm just thinking.

A couple episodes of House can also get me thinking too... I can be a little more analytical in this case. I can look at myself somewhat objectively and have a good idea of what I have to base all my theories on.

All the loneliness and depression is hitting pretty hard though now... it'll probably last through New Years and spark up again through Valentine's. It's nice that I can forecast it a bit... it's got that sense of predictability that I can combat on the outside. It's a good way to keep people away... which is probably the last thing I should be doing.

I do like to write everything here... I might not purposefully show it to anyone, but the chance of some random person coming along to provide their two cents would be somewhat appreciated. I know I might not be the most open-minded to solutions to my problem, 'cuz I have a hard time believing that I need someone else to point it out to me. I think I can do it myself... but we all know how well that's been going, especially if you've been following the sparse entries I have been writing.

The last couple years with the Tales have been an open-ended lesson on how to be miserable, but I would think that most people think of me as a pretty upbeat character.

The world continues on at a day-to-day pace... I still hold a little optimism out of the box for a couple things, but I am getting a little anxious for those couple days on my own. I should be able to write myself silly then. I don't forsee any conclusion to this awful feeling, however. A less than close relationship with family makes me believe that reprieve won't come from there... it's a lack of expression really. I would like to think that if I found a girl who sees the good in me would set me back to being the guy I really should be.

If I could make a wish... that would be it.