This Isn't All Of It Either

I'm still waiting for an epiphany. I need one. I need something that takes me away from this mental breakdown that I'm in the middle of. My mind is stripping everything I am down to the nitty gritty and really finding out that there doesn't seem to be a lot of substance holding it up.

I do have some good qualities, I think... some people do actually want to hang around me. I also have some bad qualities... a lot of which don't surface when I'm out in public. I do keep a lot of it to myself, where's it's bottled and aged, ready to be sold to the general public. But no... it gets stored behind glass and on LCD screens for all the world to pass by and not pay attention to. It's pretty simple, really.

There's something missing though still. It's what made me something of a reasonable young lad when I was growing up. I did good things... I spent time opening doors for people at the bank in Kelowna. I was nice & polite... and I had no problem doing my thing. But that thing that made me so reasonable... it's gone.

I've been thinking some ill things lately as well. This lot of depression is really knocking me back a few pegs. I don't feel like I have a place in this world... this place... this town... this culture... this set of rules... this set of anything. I want to go somewhere else... be somewhere else... I want to go to that little island in the middle of nowhere... be where I think I should be. Away, not to be considered by anyone else... to be forgotten.

It's not to say I haven't thought of the consequences of any action I would partake in to be away. I know people will actually miss me... think it'd be terrible that I wasn't around. Family, friends... possibly co-workers... you know, there will be a drop in the pond. I would like to think it would disappear after little time. But that's not what other people do or think. I understand... but when I'm feeling cowardly, I don't need other people to know and have their concerns grow. Concerns from caring... something that I don't feel worthy of receiving. Something that just seems foreign... like the plague to avoid.

I know I've been kind of miserable in the past, but this is really taking it's toll. I've got that shoebox in the corner of my head filled with the ability to love. It's this lingering thought... yes, I still have the ability to love and be loved, but no one really seems to want it. Each time I take the lid off to think about it again, I don't want it to fail. I don't know if that's the final straw, you know? I want to scream at the top of my lungs from the top of a building here in Calgary and confess all the feelings I have. But I can't... it's not safe. This whole thing looks to be getting worse, rather than better.

It's a good thing I have an alter-ego... one that I show off in public. It does keep me going at least. It's keep me out there, doing my stuff. I don't know how well it's doing... obviously, with my crushes, it's doing rather poorly. Nothing has changed and this feeling is starting to weigh down on it... I would like to go further, do more... do the right thing, even.

Harsh, eh?