A Tear... A Lack of Humanity?

I've been wrestling with humanity over the past little while. I really seemed to have lost touch for the most part. There are a lot of days where the existential being of myself doesn't really feel human emotions... in a sober and reasonable state of mind, I guess you can say. Sure, I can be a little bit more friendly or even lustful over a few drinks... everyone knows I like to fall in love with a different waitress (in my mind), every time I go out. But that isn't reasonable thought. When I've looked back on everything, there really has been that lack of feeling in my everyday life. It's only been replaced by conscious thought and prognosticating the future. Second guessing myself and everyone around me.

On a side note... I type really well lying down. Maybe there should be some scientific study about that. Sorry, a little bit distracted.

I was watching House, the season finale, and I caught myself feeling again... tearing up during the final 20 minutes, which I won't spoil for you, not like you're reading this before you watch the PVR'd copy of it on your TiVo or other satellite provider box. I asked myself, after I caught myself with salty discharges in my eye, 'why can I only seem to feel sadness?' I can't seem to feel anything else... it's been a long time since I was truly happy, some mild jubilation or excitement in there somewhere... fear always seems to be a passing thought... and I'm totally incapable of knowing what love is, but I would really stretch that one out to the failure of finding some one to reciprocate, not to mention feeling like every attempt was a mistake... much like sticking your finger in a electrical socket.

'Is there really some sort of actual hope for me,' I begin to wonder. I can do a little bit of math in my head... you know, the complicated self-realization kind that involves situations rather than numbers. I can diagnose myself as being a person who actually really needs help, but has gone on in his life without asking for it and seemingly everyone around knowing that I'm way too something for it to be offered. That's a pretty fair assumption. Gerald, my roommate of the past 6 months, has taken a brotherly fondness to me, which feels somewhat strange to me. There is still an empty void in myself when we discuss that sort of idea.

It's not that I don't care, it's almost feeling like I can't fill the void with it... and the feeling just gets lost. Like it isn't big enough to bridge the gap for feelings to get to the otherside. I hope I'm making sense here, 'cuz I am really just thinking out loud.

If I was to get started on the idea of dating or actually going out and looking for someone to date... that part of me has pretty much packed up it's bags and moved on to another soul. When I go out with friends, it's pretty much that. I can laugh and joke about that sort of stuff all I want, all night long... but it's really just a facade. I am, in fact, probably lying to the guys that I am out with... until I'm hammered, that is... about going out and doing what guys do, since I'm really more or less looking forward to not disappointing anyone by going through the whole rig-a-maroll of the whole art of seduction.

I would even go as far as think to myself that I have been privvy to some advances by women, but even that seems to be far fetched to the logical part of my brain, because it has had little input from the animal receptors, which have seemingly been turned off. Yay for me!

Family doesn't really seem to bridge the gap either. Mom & Dad have been part of the whole, trusting I'll be okay, function of my life and my sister, who is more spokenly concerned, lives a thousand clicks away and really can't be a 24 hour nagging facility to help with a couple of my other problems. Not to mention, she has her own problems going on at the moment, but I've been pretty much left in the dark on that one too.

I suppose being left in the dark could suggest that there is a lack of trust that I couldn't comprehend something or I am possibly too sensitive... or possibly not sensitive enough. The latter possibly being the more likely answer and I am just as transparent as a piece of Saran Wrap.

I've been trying to look after myself a little bit more of late. Trying to eat better, trying to exercise more and testing out with those two new items to my life, whether or not I start to think a little bit clearer. I am a little bit... but certainly not enough. Tearing up during House wasn't exactly a breakthrough my any stretch of the imagination, but there may be a small glimmer of hope left.

I would sure like a second conscious right about now. Maybe get a second opinion. I really wish I was transparent enough that someone would have picked up on this by now and pulled me along, kicking and screaming to help me out. I suppose I couldn't be just a pity job... I mean, I should be able to bring something to the table. I guess I'm still unsure of what that could be right now. I tend to think that I would be more of a problem than a solution.

Oh, me of little faith... humanity does seem to fail within me, which seems to cause it to fail around me. A self-inflicted plight? Probably. Could be a destiny deserved by one who had given up on hope and love ages ago, because it didn't logically seem to work earlier? That also does seem to be a logical idea.

Damn logic. I don't really know if it's working for me or not.