I Think I'm Recovered Now

I have a feeling that I've recovered from my weekend of late, late nights with a solid stint in bed starting just after 9pm. Yup, a nice early one... could have mustered the energy for a few hours of PlayStation with Rob... but somehow, I managed to do the right thing. Shock horror.

The worst bloody thing for me when I'm super-tired is that I find that I'm think even more. It easily took me a couple hours to finally get to sleep, because I found myself growing into a state full of fear and depression. Granted, I find that I think very clearly and honestly to myself... and that's what scares me the most.

It was quite amazing last night, I had been really teetering on this idea, but I really came to a close conclusion that I am trying to implode myself. I am on the edge of an emotional breakdown within myself. This could be the only public knowledge of it, just 'cuz I feel the need to write this sort of thing down, but I should have these things written down for the record to say I told myself so later. But anyways... I'm finding it harder and harder to trust myself in the things that I do, when I can be confident in having others trust in me, because in no way, shape or form do I want to let anyone down (even people I don't really like). How odd. I'm making small mistakes in my "responsibility" mannerisms... there are things that I'm ignoring or procrastinating on where I really shouldn't be and historically haven't and that sort of scares me, just because of the change in me.

There are a lot of inner-conflicts with me at the moment and I think a lot of them could be cured with just a constant flow of hugs. Sounds a tad gay, but man, hugs are great. I think that's the true sign of people wanting to be around other people, is that if there's a hug involved. A great big hug is one of the best things in life. This is one of the real reasons I would really like to have a girlfriend at the moment... just the hug factor. I think I can sort myself out a little bit better if I had the comfort of knowing that there is still someone at the end of the day who'll give me a frickin' hug, saying that they're glad to be there. That's it... everything past that... is just a bonus.

Well, that un-burdening of my soul felt really good... maybe I won't think about that too much more for now.

This morning will be the second morning without Meathead... all indications via the e-mail say that it's gonna be a pretty slow day work wise. I brought my laptop into work this morning for some project work and some personal work... so that'll be good.

Already, I've done some converstion for my MP3 player... I downloaded iTunes the other week to try and pick up some songs. I wish I had access to the UK store... there is so much more music that I want from the UK than here in Canada. Nevertheless... iTunes and my Sony MP3 player are not really compatible... which really sort of sucks. I have to download the tune I want, burn it to a CD and then rip that CD for the Sony .oma format that I have for my player. Somewhat like getting around the copy-protected discs from Sony/BMG. So I have to buy & download enough songs to warrant burning a disc... but for the first run, I have 7 tracks. Four from Wolf Parade (their first EP) sort of headline the disc, plus another track from the Arcade Fire which appeared on a soundtrack. Wicked.

Anyways... 8am has just rolled in... I'm feeling much better now. A couple cups of coffee have made its way into my system... so I should be good to go.